Friday, June 12, 2009
Depressed
some may notice that i'm wit bit down today. well, the truth is i was really down actually. for you guys who i had hang out with just now. you guys had just gave me the opportunity to get the things of my mind for a moment. okay, since i had a moment of piece for my mind already. its time to face the reality. the cure ones.....
yesterday's major class, after a few scales, right before starting on my Czerny finger exercise. peter suddenly suggest something that i needed time to digest and think about. he asked:
"vincent, what do you think comtemp piano?""erm......""would you consider of changing your course to comtemp piano?""errmmm...... i'd ever consider that as an option. only when i really really cant continue on my classical piano.""usually for classical degree students are require to have at least grade 8 standard, while grade 5 and below are usually encourage to go for comtemp piano.""i know that. and i'm still trying to get on to that.....""well, i'm worried that with your condition right now. i dont think that you can make it for your jury. i'd been trying to push you up to grade 8 standard but due to your slow progression. its hard to make it.""i know i had to work on my sight reading. thats had always been my biggest problem. i'll try and do my best to improve it.""its not just the sight reading problems. your technique is also a problem. i find that you cant really manage some of the techniques from the pieces that i gave you.""but i really really want to go for classical piano. and thats my decision. before i reach my limits i'll still like to work on my classical piano.""if thats so, ill try my best. and you have to do your part too.""yes, i'll also do my best to make it happen."its not a too long conversation between me and peter. but, every word that he said had me gone
guilty, ashamed, frustrated, depressed. i really dint aspect this day to come at all. not that i dint aspect that one day teacher will talk about how weak your are in piano and ask me to work harder to finish my foundation programe. but i never ever aspected that my teacher will
suggest me to go for comtemp. i'm ok with friends telling me to do so, but form my teacher. i still cant really bare with the fact that he said that.
its not his fault at all. i'm just frustrated with myself. how
stupid and dumb am myself. knowing that my standard is already a freaking darn far distant apart form the other students. and i'm still not making a double effort to get myself prepared. i felt disappointed with myself. sometimes, no, its actually everytime, i'd always been asking myself this question.
"am i fit to study classical piano? am i fit to study music at all?"i always had been unsure but as innocent as i could be, i kinda avoid this question as much as i could. avoiding to answer it. afraid that the answer will just be something disappointing. but avoiding it had never been the best way. and today, i really had to face this problem. face to face. and it really really dint feel good at all!!!! i feel fucking miserable about it. why oh why am i so dumb?!
i have no words for my stupidity. and i dont know what the outcome would be. i dont dare to look into the future as peter ask me not to look at it first and just work hard on what i shoud do now. uplift my standard, excel my tecniques. not to be lazy, be hard working. practice more and more and more. put in double effort. for your dream sake, for yourself sake, vincent. please, please just wake up.
things aint gona be easy. and i never aspect it to be.
what would be next?!
i dont know. lets just put it all into God's hands. pray for me.
Vincent Choo ♥
1:06 AM
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